Warning Signs Point to Abuse
DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is getting married in seven months and I’m worried for her. I see many red flags she’s ignoring. Because I’m old, I don’t think she will believe me.
You have printed a list of warning signs of an abusive mate. Can you print it again so I can give it to her? — PERCEPTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERCEPTIVE: Gladly, because it could be a lifesaver. An abusive mate:
∫ PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
∫ IS JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
∫ IS CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
∫ HAS UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
∫ ISOLATES YOU: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
∫ BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
∫ MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
∫ DISPLAYS HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
∫ IS CRUEL TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
∫ ENGAGES IN “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
∫ IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
∫ ADHERES TO RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
∫ HAS SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
∫ HAS A HISTORY OF BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.
∫ THREATENS VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”
Anyone at risk should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800- 799-7233 or thehotline.org.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.