All I Don’t Want …

Editor, News-Register:

Now that we are in the buying frenzy commonly known as Christmas, I have a few (well, more than a few) suggestions for well-meaning friends and acquaintances on what NOT to buy me (you know who you are).

1 do not want a set of 12 miniature historic preservation lighthouses for my mantel.

I have no use for a secret compartment money belt. I am 60 years old. I no longer wear belts.

Please do not send me a gift book of people, places and events from the year I was born (I won’t remember any of them because I was a BABY at the time — think about it …).

Please do not buy me a holographic butterfly spiral mobile and tell me to save it for spring when I can hang it on my front porch (I won’t).

Please do not present me with an expandable leather-bound monogrammed photograph album (I don’t have grandchildren), an environmentally-friendly biodegradable dishwasher solution (I don’t have a dishwasher) or a Little Red Riding Hood garden goose outfit (I don’t have a garden goose).

Please — no apple-theme small-appliance covers, no plastic wind-up kitchen timers that look like chickens, no 2,000-piece teddy bear jigsaw puzzles, no fancy gold-embossed address labels (there’s an “h” in Wheeling, dummy) and NO hand-applique holiday fingertip towels.

I don’t need a Depression-style cobalt blue biscuit jar with “graceful floral etching,” a retro black cat statue with emerald eyes or a set of eight assorted fruit napkin rings.

I don’t want a color-changing alarm clock. I don’t want a “Major Award” leg lamp. The same goes for leopard-print ankle socks, bugle-bead eyeglass cases, bamboo shoe racks, ribbon-and-lace tissue box covers and any battery-operated demon Santa that screams “HO! HO! HO!” every five seconds.

The bejeweled leaping deer pin, the “glowing fireplace” DVD, the flashing red-and-green light bulb earrings, the gingerbread man soap dish … STOP. Please.

Ask me what I want. Go ahead.

What I really want is … your friendship. Yep, that’s all. You will make me happy by just being my friend. (Well … OK … the bejeweled leaping deer pin DOES sound kinda pretty …).

Susan E. Smith



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