It’s a question that often gets asked of domestic abuse victims: “Why do you stay with (or go back to) your abuser?”
One local victim offered some answers during “Heartfelt Expressions” held at the YWCA-Wheeling on Saturday, May 31. The program, which was open to the public, encouraged victims of violence to express themselves through art, whether in poetry, song, visual arts or the spoken word.
During the program, sponsored by the YWCA’s Family Violence Prevention Program, Julie* said one of the reasons she stayed with her abusive husband for 17 years is because she didn’t know there was a safe place she could go with her children. She also depended on her husband’s income.
Then she discovered the YWCA’s Madden House emergency shelter. She said it saved her life and transformed her from a “victim” into a “survivor.”
“As I look out here I see a lot of us women who are no longer victims. We are survivors today,” said Julie, who wore a T-shirt emblazoned with the words: “Violence Breaks Hearts.”
The Heartfelt Expressions program was the first sponsored by the Family Violence Prevention Program, but it won’t be the last, said Michelle Harriman, a child advocate and event organizer. She was inspired after seeing a client’s paintings and feeling it was important they be displayed.
“The arts are such an important part of the healing process for victims of domestic violence,” said Debbie Wood, Family Violence Prevention Program director.
During the program, one woman sang a cappella the spiritual hymn, “The Battle Is the Lord’s,” with the opening words: “There’s no pain Jesus can’t feel/There’s no hurt he can’t heal.” Another shared her abuse story and displayed her paintings.
Julie used the forum to share her story of abuse and how she was “reborn” at the Madden House.
Julie said she married her husband when she was 17 and pregnant because she thought she needed a man to support her and the baby. Her mother ended up taking custody of the child.
“(I married) a man who beat me so often I couldn’t even be a mom,” she said, choking back tears. She said her daughter, now 16, and her two sons and youngest daughter have witnessed the beatings, “and no child should ever have to see that.”
“I didn’t think anyone would ever help me because no one (outside the home) ever saw him beat me,” Julie said. Her mother and other family members told her she could stay with them, but Julie was afraid of him finding them; or, if she did leave, she returned when she ran out of money.
A Wheeling resident, she knew about the women’s shelter but wasn’t convinced she would be safe there; she also feared the staff would not know how to help or would think she was worthless or would not want a woman with four children.
So she stayed. And she cleaned.
“I thought if the house was clean enough, if the kids were quiet enough or I was thin enough, the beatings would stop,” she said. These were issues that sparked her husband’s anger. Alcohol also was a factor in the abuse.
“The sad part is, when he was sober, he was a good father. He loves those kids,” Julie said.
She also abused alcohol “to forget” and used prescription drugs “to cope.”
In April, after enduring the worst beating of her life, Julie knew she had to get out and take the children. She displayed photographs of her purple, swollen face, her neck rubbed raw from attempted strangulation, her bruises from being thrown down 11 steps and her foot that she said her husband tried to break “so I couldn’t go anywhere” while he left to get the shotgun to kill her.
“I had a plan,” she said. She decided to go to the Madden House “to make a fresh start.”
The shelter staff provided her with “support, protection, understanding, and most of all, unconditional love,” Julie said. “They also help you realize you are somebody. You matter. You are loved. And you will make it.”
The first week at the Madden House, her two sons slept in a closet because they were afraid their father was going to take them away, “because those are the threats they always heard.” Her 8-year-old son still writes letters to his dad, asking him to stop drinking and beating up his mom.
At one point, Julie said she told her children they were a team and she was the captain, and she promised a victory. When, at a low point, she decided they had to return home, her 11-year-old son reminded her of her promise and told her “only losers quit.”
“I found the strength to go on, for my children,” Julie said.
The family receives counseling at the Madden House, where the children “are learning to be kids again.”
With help from the YWCA’s legal advocate team, Julie has been awarded full custody and child support, but her husband is “at large,” she said.
She thanked her family, many of whom were present, for supporting her, even though she understood they had “given up” trying to help because she always had gone back to her husband.
She exhorted audience members to reach out to women they suspect or know are being abused.
“If you see someone with a black eye and a swollen lip who looks like they’ve been beaten, ask them if they need help. Don’t look the other way. Too many people look the other way. You could save someone’s life,” she said.
And to victims still living in fear, she said: “The team of all the women that make up the Madden House will go to any length to protect us and love us and save your life. ... The one thing you have to do is swallow your fear and take the next step to come to the Madden House.”
The Family Violence Protection Program has a 24-hour hotline, 304-232-2748 or 800-698-1247. The Madden House is operated at an undisclosed location.
* Name has been changed for safety reasons.
